Psstt.. Have you heard of this thing call safer sex?

(This is a very graphic post, please do not proceed if you are below 18, have a weak heart, easily upset stomach, religion told you not to do so, etc. Side effects might include nausea, dizziness and falling off chair.)

Hey... You there...

Yes... You...

Have you heard of this thing call safer sex?

No??

Come on over. Let’s talk.

You know when you have this butterfly in your stomach and you have this throbbing desire down the nether region that seeks sexual release?

Yeah, that’s right, that’s the one.

Some of you who are sexually active with your partner(s); with every lingering touch, it’d take you further down that sexy alley and you might expose yourself (pun intended) and your partner (unknowingly) to a myriad of sexual diseases.

Oh ya, do you know about the infamous STD / STI gang? Their most well-known members are Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Herpes and Syphilis whom, if you have close or multiple association with might bring you face to face with their most ruthless member yet : HIV.

Go to CDC and you can read up more about the other gang members and go through their fact sheets as well. Get familiarize with the data and stay away from them. Under no circumstances should you allow them to turn you into a card carrying member.

If you are vulnerable and exposed, always seek out Miss and Mister Condom. Any one of them might just save you or the day, one at a time. You don’t know how? Don’t you worry ok? Miss & Mister Condom have a few pictorials to share.

We’ll start it off with Mister Condom (the guild has higher membership, is cheaper and easier to use).

01. Take a good look at condom pack. No exceeding expiry or best before dates or broken seal.

02. Look ma, no teeth, sharp nails, scissors or knife. Only fingers J

03. Squeeze some water based (no oil please!) lubricant inside tip of Mister Condom. Go wild! Use flavored ones for fun!

04. Cap Officer Salute with Mister Condom & pinch out excess air at the tip 

05. Roll the rest of Mister Condom down Officer Salute’s base.

06. If Officer Salute has foreskin, roll down and cover all to base with skin pushed back. Push skin forward towards tip, allowing skin’s movement but without breaking Mister Condom.

 

07. Place more water based lubricants on outside of Mister Condom or entry point. The Wetter = The Better.

08. If Mister Condom got attacked (breaks or comes off), stop what you do and ask your partner to pull out. Officer Salute must shower and repeat above steps with a new Mister Condom.

09. Once Officer Salute reaches its final destination, hold Mister Condom’s base and pull out slowly. Make sure Office Salute is, well, saluting. Be handy, have some tissue nearby.

 

10. Tie up (optional) a filled Mister Condom and disposed in trash bins. Do not attempt to flush down into toilet, imagine your plumber’s face (or worse, your whole family) when unplugging.

The rarely exhibited Miss Condom (Lesser guild members though wider missy parts covered and at least 3 times more expensive than Mister Condom and also trickier to insert).

  

01. Take a good look at condom pack. No exceeding expiry or best before dates or broken seal. Look ma, no teeth, sharp nails, scissors or knife but fingers only and carefully tear package from top right.

02. Outer ring = covers area surrounding the opening of Provocative Peach. Inner ring = for insertion and help hold Miss Condom’s body in place during drill.

03. Hold Miss Condom’s closed buttock, grasp the flexible Inner Ring and squeeze with your thumb and second or middle finger, making it long and narrow.

04. Get into a comfortable insertion position. Raise one-leg (time to show off that yoga position J or you can use a chair), squat, sit or lie down.

  

  05. Slowly and gently insert Miss Condom’s Inner Ring into Provocative Peach (it comes pre-lubricated – unless necessary; such as the case of Sahara Desert, add more water or oil based lubricant). Feel it go up and move into place.

06. Insert your Index Finger on the inside of Miss Condom and push her Inner Ring up as far as it will go. 

07. Make sure her body is not twisted and that her Outer Ring should remain outside of Provocative Peach. If Outer Ring gets push in or pulled out from Provocative Peach, simply add more lubricant.

08. When you are ready, gently guide Officer Salute into Miss Condom’s opening; making sure he enters properly – be sure he didn’t come in between Miss Condom and Provocative Peach’s wall.

09. Once Officer Salute fired in the hole, remove Miss Condom by twisting her Outer Ring and gently pull her out. Keep tissues nearby, very handy indeed.

10. This is 1 dumping you avoid doing in a toilet. Unless you want to be the main star of a plumber or family gathering joke. Wrap Miss Condom back in her pack or use tissues and throw it in the trash bin.

  

More sexy tips :

1. No twins zone

Please do not layer condoms or use 2 at the same time.

 

2. No in-fighting

Never use both Mister and Miss Condom at the same time.

Why : Both condoms will cause either and each other to slip, tear or rip. Too much of a good thing is bad, in this case.

3. Keeping it wet

Use only water based lubricant for Mister Condom.

Why : Oil based lubricants such as skin lotion, baby oil, Vaseline or cold cream will weaken Mister Condom’s Latex. If you must use oil based lubricant, get polyurethane condoms.

4. K-9? No! It’s N-9

Do not think or bother with N-9 (Nonoxynol-9) Spermicides.

Why : Not only does it not keep away STD / STI but when used regularly will cause genital lesions hence increasing your risk of infections, especially HIV. Read more :

A. Sexually Transmitted Diseases Treatment Guidelines 2010

B. Sexually Transmitted Diseases Treatment Guidelines 2006

C. The Scandal of Nonoxynol-9

D. N-9 Protection against HIV Doubtful

E. Condoms, Contraceptives and Nonoxynol-9: Complex Issues Obscured by Ideology

F. Spermicidal Condoms – Nonoxynol-9 (N-9)

5. Don’t be cheap

Every time Officer Salute and Provocative Peach get together, use a brand new Mister or Miss Condom

Why : Risk reduction for unintended pregnancy and STD / STI infections.

6. Oral time

Get flavored or a polyurethane Mister Condom for Officer Salute if the smell / taste bothers you. Lay on top of Provocative Peach with a dental dam or a cut up Miss Condom. Layer flavored lubricant for added fun.

Why : STD / STI infection is possible through oral activity. Remember that STD / STI gang mentioned above. Yeah, all that.

7. Is that your finger up there?

There’s something call finger cot or informally, a finger condom.

Why : Added protection while stimulating those prostate glands (male or female), need I say more?

If all these words doesn’t convince or do it for you, maybe an animation on safe sex would help change your mind :

AIDES GRAFFITI